Nothing of Anything
by snowglow
Summary: A new take on an old cliche; Rodney gets transported to another reality and has trouble holding onto himself when nobody believes him. Contains Genderswap. More warnings inside. Rating more for adult subject matter than sex. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** This was written for sga_santa for girlgonemadd with the request for 'Rodney/John with lots of angst/humor/silliness/etc and well-rounded appearances by all the cast.' I went with angst. Be prepared for a lot of it. The title comes from a quote by Samuel Johnson, "A man may be so much of everything, that he is nothing of anything."

**Betas:** michelel72, without whom this fic would be incomprehensible, and momma66, whose encouragement and cheerleading kept me going when all seemed lost. I can't thank you both enough.

**Warnings:** The request said no character death, and while I do not feel I truly crossed that line, I definitely more than toed it. I apologize to the recipient if I went too far. This story contains issues of identity and self-perception that I consider to border on brainwashing. One aspect of this is gender, but I would like to stress that this is in no way meant to represent a transgender experience. Also, this is a very grim take on a common trope that is usually written as crack. A willing suspension of disbelief is necessary, dear readers.

...

The warmth surrounding him and the light filtering through his eyelids were first to register as Rodney slowly woke. His eyes fluttered open. It was brighter than he was used to. Or maybe it was just the time of day - it must have been early, the sun was kind of pink and at a low angle. He felt an arm shift minutely around his waist and a soft exhalation on the back of his neck. Rodney really wanted to just let himself drift back into sleep, wallow in this perfect place, but his mind was already gearing up and he couldn't help but start to wonder.

He didn't remember the previous night. Okay, so he did remember doing inventory of the new Ancient devices brought in from the area cleared in subsection D well into the early hours of the morning, but he didn't remember sleeping with anyone. Come to think of it, he didn't even know who it might be back there. That was a disconcerting thought that pushed the last of the sleepy haze from his mind.

He scooted away enough to roll onto his back and look at the person who was wrapped around him, and he couldn't help but gape a bit. John Sheppard was smiling peacefully in his sleep, moving just enough to bring them closer again, resting his head on Rodney's shoulder.

He wasn't fundamentally opposed to the thought of sleeping with men, or even Sheppard. He just hadn't done this in a long time and, while John was certainly attractive, Rodney honestly hadn't considered this. Though, in hindsight, that might have been a mistake.

John's eyes opened just a sliver. He smiled. "Good morning, beautiful."

Rodney wasn't sure how he would have taken that from anyone else, but the look in John's eyes was sincere and Rodney couldn't bring himself to do anything but return the smile.

John rolled further, placing more of his weight onto Rodney, and leaned forward to kiss him gently. He felt larger, heavier, than he should. Rodney didn't want to analyze this but his mind went on without him, calculating and comparing this to all the times he'd hauled John around, all the times John had thrown himself onto Rodney in protection, and it just did not add up. John wasn't just heavier than he should have been, he was also taller, and broader, than was right.

"I can hear you thinking," John said, leaning back so he could look Rodney in the eye.

Rodney was a little embarrassed. John was obviously okay here and he didn't want to hurt John's feelings, but he couldn't just let this go. "About last night?"

"What about it?" John asked, shifting his attention to where his fingers were walking up Rodney's body. When they reached his chest Rodney looked down at them as well, but he didn't get that far because John's hand was on one of the large lumps under Rodney's shirt. It looked weird, but worse, he could feel it, like the lump was part of him.

He felt himself starting to hyperventilate, because this, well, this just could not be what it looked like. John backed up, looking concerned. "Mer? You all right?"

Mer. Rodney scrambled backward, up against the wall, and pulled his shirt out of the way. Breasts, he had breasts. Mer. He managed one wordless shriek before hyperventilation stole his breath completely.

Black started inching into his vision and he heard John in the background scrambling for a radio. The last thing he thought before the blackness pulled him under was that he wished he had the breath to scream.

...

Rodney swam awake to the steady beeps on the heart monitor, eyes screwed up against the harsh light in this area of the infirmary. When he opened his eyes, John jumped up from the chair next to his bed and called for Carson as he reached out to hold Rodney's hand.

"What," Rodney said as Carson neared, "the hell is going on?"

John looked helplessly at Carson.

"Well, lass, I don't know. I just…."

"Wait! Right there, see, now that's a problem. And I realize that you may as well deal with chicken scratch for all the science that you do but surely even you know that's not right!" Rodney halted then, looking closer. "Wait, what are you even doing here? Aren't you supposed to be continuing with your 'Pegasus Doctors Without Borders' thing?"

Carson stood kind of frozen in place, staring at Rodney, so John interjected in what Rodney assumed must be his attempt at a soothing voice. "Mer, calm down, please. We don't know what you're talking about."

Rodney turned to glare at him. "I know I'm having some short-term memory trouble at the moment, but I am positive I told you not to ever call me that."

"Call you what?" John asked, still with the infuriatingly patient voice.

"Don't give me your innocent look, Colonel, you know what I mean!" When John still looked puzzled, Rodney whispered fervently, "Mer!"

"Um, okay. What do you want us to call you, then?"

"Uh, Rodney!" he said with his best 'duh' voice.

Carson and John both looked at him wide-eyed but Carson recovered quickly. "All right, lass, but do you mind explaining why you wish to be called… Rodney?"

"That's enough! No more 'lass' and no more of that pathetic 'talk down the crazy person' tone! I need to talk to Radek. I assume he's been working on the artifact while I've been out?"

John and Carson shared a loaded glance and this time it was John who turned back to him. He leaned in close and squeezed Rodney's hand again. "Please, M- uh, just tell us, why Rodney?"

Rodney pulled out his best 'duh' voice again. "It's my name, Colonel, and I know you've been known to use it." He snapped his fingers impatiently. "Now, Radek?"

"M-" John cleared his throat. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

"What, Colonel? Are you telling me you actually prefer Sheppard?"

"Actually, I prefer John."

"John? Why would I call you John?"

"Well, you don't usually have a problem with it."

"That's because I don't usually call you that."

"You always call me John."

Rodney snorted. "Why would I?"

John looked a little sheepish. "'Cause you love me," he murmured.

Rodney quirked a short smile. "Of course, but…well, after last night I suppose 'the way a friend loves another friend' isn't really appropriate anymore, but the point remains, we're just not far enough into this for you to expect me to make claims like that."

"Far enough into this?" John was starting to sound irritated. "Three years isn't far enough into this?"

"What?"

He holds out his left hand and wiggled his fingers for Rodney to see. There was a small bright band around his ring finger.

"What the… when did you get that?"

John growled, "The same time you did," as he reached out to pull Rodney's hand up to reveal matching ring.

"I-" And he really did try to control his breathing because hyperventilation was not fun, but then Carson rushed closer, talking urgently. The words couldn't penetrate the rushing in his ears. He felt John pushing his shoulders down and Carson pushing a needle into his arm but it was too late. Rodney watched them swim in his vision as it grew darker.

...

Carson was gently shaking Rodney's shoulder. "Um, Rodney? Come on, now. Time to wake up." Rodney groaned and his eyes fluttered open for the third time in as many hours.

A slight fuzziness persisted, and no amount of blinking or shaking his head cleared it. Rodney looked slowly from Carson's thinly stretched mask of professionalism that didn't quite hide his fear and the look on John's face that was clearly somewhere between bursting into tears and raging against fate.

"Did you drug me?" he asked with as much anger as he could muster through the clouds of indifference floating behind his eyes.

Carson had the decency to look ashamed. "Aye, well, ye did faint twice then you were having a panic attack. Now, Kate is waiting in the other room. She'd rather like to speak to you. Is that all right?"

Rodney sighed, "I must be on the good stuff 'cause I don't even care who that is."

Carson backed off, exiting around the curtain. Rodney turned to look at John.

"And you, way to give me a heart attack there. I hope that stunt was worth it, 'cause it's so not funny on my end. Now, I know Radek must have gotten somewhere on this but he is, no doubt, in need of my brilliance, so if you wouldn't mind busting me out so I can help him, then all can go back to normal."

"Hello, Mer."

Rodney almost gave himself whiplash as he turned to see Kate Heightmeyer come around the curtain. He knew he was staring; it had been a while since they lost her, but this was like a punch to the gut. He didn't move until she reached out a hand to his arm. Rodney pulled back sharply.

"No, nononono. Not again. Not another clone, or hallucination, or alien mind control. Please, I can't do this again."

John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder and Rodney just leaned into it, let John wrap his arm around him. "Mer?"

"I think I'm beginning to understand how SG-1 felt. First Carson, now Heightmeyer - any more Jackson wannabees out there?"

"What?"

"Daniel Jackson, I'm sure you remember him. Raised reincarnation to an art form. Coming back from the dead. Or the ascended. Or whatever."

Heightmeyer stepped closer, saying gently, "Meredith, who died?"

Rodney sighed, the situation and the drugs working together to give everything a sort of unreal quality. He closed his eyes as he felt John move onto the bed and support some of his weight. He should be worried but he couldn't really bring himself to care. Any and all emotions just floated away from him and he was left feeling nothing much but mellow.

"You, and Carson and Elizabeth and Grodin and Gall and Markham, and so, so many more. And Ford might be, too, if he's not still amassing a drugged-up army. Then, of course, Carson came back as a clone and Elizabeth was a replicator and now you're back. What are you?"

There was a stunned silence for a moment. Then John shifted. "Mer, honey?"

Rodney opened his eyes to look blandly at John. "And that's kind of disturbing. I really, really should care but honestly, all I want is to get my body back. Can I talk to Radek now?"

Carson shared a look with Kate then spoke, "Not just yet."

"Why not? I know the drugs are messing with me a bit but really, I'm perfectly healthy and the only thing diminishing my mental abilities is those damn drugs. I don't see how you can keep me here when I should be helping Radek with figuring out that device."

John's eyes narrowed. "What device?"

"The one I was looking at last night, must have been nearing three AM. It's obviously some kind of gender-swapping device, though I wasn't able to verify anything about it before - well, I must have done something and I woke up this morning as a woman!"

John coughed, "You were in bed last night at one. I got you out of the labs myself."

Rodney pushed himself up and waved as frantically as he could manage. "Really, do you have no reserves of self-preservation? I don't want to be responsible for a court-martial in your future!"

John squinted at him.

"Your stupid military's bigoted rules, Colonel."

John sighed like he'd heard this a million times, "Can we skip the DADT rant? I know it by heart, and I agree with you, already."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Did I not just say not to talk about it?"

"DADT doesn't apply here."

Heightmeyer broke in then. "So what exactly are you saying this device did?"

"I can't be the only one who sees how wrong this is. I woke up a woman! And you have all gone insane."

"You're saying you were male prior to last night," she said slowly.

"Of course that's what I'm saying! What are you saying?"

John bit his lip and Carson looked at the ground. Kate stepped forward.

"You are Meredith Sheppard, formerly McKay, and you're female. You've always been female."

"What? What is this about? Really?"

"You're head of the Science Department here on Atlantis. You're married to the Commanding Military Officer, John Sheppard."

Rodney squeaked and turned to look at John, who was still biting nervously on his lower lip and looking at Rodney with so much fear and hope that Rodney could no longer believe that this was a joke for him.

"You…?"

He turned to each of the others in turn, "You're serious. You actually believe that. Oh, nonononono, this cannot be happening. Either this device did a hell of a lot more than I thought it did or…or, shit. I'm in another reality."

Kate placed a gentle hand on his forearm. "Meredith, everything will be all right. We'll help you get through this. We all want to help you."

Rodney just groaned and focused all his energy into resisting the urge to smash his head onto the nearest hard surface.

After nearly an hour of answering questions and listening to Kate talk she suggested they take a break. She'd made it clear they were to call him Mer, siting something about not playing along with the patient's delusion. She probably didn't think he'd heard that part, though. She also was suggesting they start considering medication if this didn't resolve itself soon. It was made very obvious they didn't believe him. He didn't know how but they didn't seem to think there was any precedent for it in this galaxy and none of the things SG-1 been through could accurately explain it. Though, really, he could hardly believe it himself.

Carson, Kate, and John moved to an area out of Rodney's hearing. He imagined they were trying to decide what to do with him. John would likely want to get him out of the infirmary with instructions to take it easy and hope for the best. Rodney had no idea what Carson and Kate would be pushing for.

The thought of going home with John was—a relief. And terrifying. He spent most of his time in the company of John, but that was his universe and in this one he and John weren't just friends, he didn't know if he could deal with the reality of a life with John right now, even if he couldn't imagine it any other way at the moment.

Something was definitely wrong. He could admit to being a bit moody, but never this bipolar.

Around lunch Radek shuffled nervously around the curtain with a tray, followed by Carson. John had been sitting quietly with him but looked up hopefully. It appeared to Rodney that they had decided to let him stew in the infirmary for the rest of the day, or at least until Carson didn't have the excuse that they were 'just waiting on test results'. Carson gave John a pained expression and the suggestion that he go grab a shower and something to eat. John looked about to refuse but Radek, bless him, said, "I will stay until you return. Everything will be fine in the half hour you are gone, Colonel."

Rodney had to fight the constriction in his chest at the defeated slump of John's shoulders as he lifted himself from the chair and left.

"Now, you eat," Radek insisted as he placed the tray in front of Rodney, grabbing one of the sandwiches and one of the three cups of coffee for himself. Carson reminded them that he was just around the corner in his office if they needed him and turned to leave them as well.

"So, ah, how much do you know? And by that I mean, of course, how much have they told you, because they have made it abundantly clear that they think I'm crazy or hallucinating or something and…." He stopped, looking down at his meal, and then said in a small voice, "Do you believe me?"

"I believe there is nothing I am able to do about who you may or may not be at the moment," Radek said, shrugging.

Rodney frowned but nodded. "You didn't find an artifact, did you."

Radek sighed. "No, there was no device." He paused. "I was there when you left last night with the Colonel, and all the devices we had been working on all day are accounted for."

Rodney nodded again, swallowed, and then tried for a cheery voice. "Right, sure."

"I have not given up. Dr. Krogman is searching the database for anything we may have missed."

"Thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

Radek had not gotten enough sleep last night what with Rodney keeping him in the lab until past midnight. At least two AM. He really didn't want anything more than to go back to his quarters and not open his eyes again for the whole day. But this was somewhat of an unspoken agreement between them; Rodney did the off-world stuff, the disciplining, and the arguing with Woolsey and John over resources and personnel, and Radek made sure the scientists stayed out of his way when possible.

Most of the time this worked well. Radek didn't like the administrative stuff, and as much as Rodney claimed to hate it as well, he never failed to get them what they needed. He'd also apparently grown to like going off-world, for which Radek was eternally grateful because it meant he rarely had to. But this morning the deal meant Radek was the one who had to meet with the department heads and get updates on their various experiments. With that horrid thought in mind he chugged the rest of his coffee and entered the lab area they had set aside for these meetings.

He was still five minutes early, and how he hated that he was that kind of person. Four hours of sleep and still early. He wandered across the hall to make sure Rodney hadn't fallen asleep on his keyboard, or worse, was still up and so wired on coffee that he could not tell how messed up his equations were from lack of sleep.

When the lights came up Radek froze. Rodney was laying on the floor, in a strange enough position that he couldn't have simply fallen asleep, with a strange device that had been in the 'interesting, look at soon' pile lying broken next to him. Checking the area for invaders, malfunctioning or malevolent equipment, and pod people (it never hurt to be careful on Atlantis), Radek crept closer.

"McKay?" He scrambled down next to him on the floor, reaching for Rodney's pulse. It wasn't there.

"Rodney? McKay?" His voice grew frantic as he checked McKay's breathing and called the infirmary. "Emergency, Lab 3, Rodney's lab, yes, hurry, please," Then he leaned forward to start CPR. He had known it was a good thing for everyone to know how to do, he just never wanted to have to. And now he was frantically trying to keep the right rhythm and remember how many compressions between breaths and fighting the tears that threatened to roll down his face. Not Rodney. Not Rodney.

"God, no. Please."

...

There was a booming knock on the door, "Sheppard!"

John pulled on his workout shirt and grabbed his shoes, opening the door to let Ronon in. "I was just heading out, what-"

Ronon was scowling, his eyes sad. "C'mon."

John hopped after him, getting his shoes on then jogging after Ronon. "What?" When Ronon didn't stop John grabbed his arm. "Ronon." John's heart was falling, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. "Ronon?"

"It's McKay."

John never ran so fast in his life.

...

When he burst into the infirmary he was surprised by the quiet. Hoping that for once in this galaxy something had gone right, John hurried to Keller's office.

"Where's R-" He stopped when he saw Keller's hunched form, shaking in her chair with her head in her hands. She and Rodney weren't that close anymore, really, but their breakup hadn't been too bad and John knew they still considered each other friends. Seeing her here, like this, was enough to start him shaking.

"Keller? Wha-?"

Ronon's hand on his arm stopped him and pulled him from the room.

"Colonel, sir, I'll take you to Dr. McKay." The nurse beside Ronon said helpfully, "Mr. Woolsey has already been informed and Dr. Zelenka was the one who alerted us. Teyla's with him now but Woolsey is waiting on you before he makes any kind of city-wide announcement. He said to tell you to come see him as soon as possible, sir."

John's empty stomach was revolting even before he realized they were heading through the doors of what they had made their morgue. Cool air hit him and he blanched as he saw Teyla standing by a covered body. She looked up when they entered, not bothering to hide the tear marks covering her face.

He staggered, just a little bit, before coming to a stop near the body and reaching for the cover. He had to see, wouldn't believe it until he saw it.

Rodney was pale, skin even lighter than usual, and his face was lax, with the dark sweep of his eyelashes giving the impression that he was in a deep sleep, just waiting for a kiss to wake him from slumber. John always half feared that he would end up blowing himself up or dying of radiation poisoning but there wasn't a blemish on him. This was worse than anything, just there for team movie night one day and gone in the morning. No show, no good-bye. John reached out a hand and rested it gently on Rodney's forehead. He was cool, but not yet cold, and John could almost pretend the slowly building warmth was more than just his heat seeping into Rodney's skin.

He yanked his hand away sharply as the realty of the situation finally hit home and the professional in him took over. Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard was career military. He had lost many good men, some of them friends, a small few almost as important to him as the man lying in front of him, and experience had forged him into this. Into a man who could shove anything aside.

John wanted to crumble to the floor, wanted to scream and cry until his voice stopped working and his eyes burned, wanted to pound his fists into Rodney's chest and force some life back into him through sheer will. Felt like he was about to be torn apart, blown to bits. Wanted to sink into the floor and cease to feel. He wanted it, needed to lose it, but he couldn't escape what the military had made him, and, though his mind was throwing a fit, his body stood calm and steady, looking at his best friend in the whole universe, and asked, "How?"

It was Teyla who answered him. "We do not know. Dr. Zelenka called the medical team to Rodney's lab this morning but apparently Rodney was gone long before Zelenka found him. Dr. Biro is scheduled to perform an autopsy this afternoon."

He nodded and walked out. He'd skip the run this morning, hurry through a shower and change. He tapped his headset, asking for a report from the head of the night security team. It was already 0645 and if he didn't get it from the horse's mouth now, he'd have to get the second-hand report like he did every morning from Lorne.

He got a very flustered report from the lieutenant and fought hard to contain his anger when it all boiled down to nothing. They had nothing. No idea how it had happened. They'd secured the area, Zelenka had a team trying to figure out what it might be, and Dr. Biro was currently working to assure there was no danger to the rest of them.

He knew that they were doing their job, that it wasn't their fault they didn't know, but he couldn't help the anger building up inside him. It was the only emotion he could allow himself right now, the only thing that could keep him moving.

He barked out some orders before entering his quarters to take a perfunctory shower.

...

There was a moment before entering Rodney's lab when John thought his knees might buckle, but it was gone quickly as he shoved himself back into a professional frame of mind.

Rodney's lab was quiet, as close to silent as was possible in the midst of a sort of barely controlled chaos. One of the guards near the door was prepared and handed him a tablet before he could even ask for a report. He took it but barely looked at it. Dr. Biro and her people were packing away a bunch of equipment, so John assumed they found nothing that could cause anyone else harm medically. Zelenka was sitting at Rodney's desk, scrolling through one of two open computers, tapping occasionally on the tablet in his lap. There were at least a dozen other scientists in the room, going through piles of tech or tapping away on a keyboard, but John headed directly toward Zelenka.

"Do we know what happened yet?" he asked, but his voice was harsher than he truly intended.

Radek looked up, his eyes red. "No."

John couldn't help the way his hand slammed down on the desk. "Did you check what he was working on last night?"

Zelenka narrowed his eyes. "Yes, Colonel, it was the first thing I thought of but is damaged, it never worked to begin with!"

He wanted to throw his hands up and barely kept his voice below a yell. "What about all the other projects here?"

Zelenka slammed the tablet on the table as he stood up. "You do not think we have thought of that? We have found nothing that could have done this! Blown him up, given him radiation poisoning, re-written aspects of his DNA, yes! But nothing like-"

"Well he didn't just fall dead of nothing!"

"I am aware, Colonel!"

"Then do your job and figure it out!" John found himself right up in Zelenka's face. He caught himself, backing away and raising his hands, "I-"

"Colonel." Zelenka spoke with slow and deliberate calm. "You are not the only one who is hurting now." He raised a fist and John was abruptly reminded that Radek found Rodney. "Just, please, go. I am doing my best." Then he fell back onto the chair, swiping a hand angrily over a cheek to catch an escaped tear. John had to look away, breathe deep, and take a mental and physical step back.

"I- sorry."

"Leave. You are not helping here."

He let himself get too close to a breaking point, and he was not ready for that to happen. He couldn't deal with it yet. So he drew himself up and swept out past the guards without another word.

...

"You wanted to see me?" John asked at Woolsey's door.

"Ah, yes, Colonel. I'm sure you've been made aware, by now, of Dr. McKay's, ah-"

John cut him off as he took a seat. "Yeah."

"Dr. Biro has informed me that she should have the autopsy done and results in by tonight. I thought we could plan on sending Dr. McKay's body through the gate tomorrow morning. Ronon, Teyla, and Dr. Zelenka have all expressed interest in accompanying him through after the service; I assume you'll be wanting to go, as well?"

John furrowed his brow. "I know its normal procedure, but Rodney hasn't considered Earth home for some time now." And John just didn't know if he could survive without Rodney nearby. "What about sending him into the sun or something?"

Woolsey sighed and shook his head. "The IOA wouldn't like it." Before John could interrupt, he continued, "Besides, I don't think any of us believe Rodney would have cared much what happened to his body after death."

John had to concede that point. Rodney never would have believed in some kind of connection with his body. It was empty now, just a shell, and Rodney wouldn't have been sentimental about it beyond as a centerpiece to cry over during a memorial service.

"And his sister deserves the right to put him to rest."

John swallowed. Woolsey was right; he didn't have the right to take that much from her, "fine."

"Glad we agree, Colonel. Now, I haven't heard from her but I assume Dr. Keller will wish to accompany him to Earth as well. While the rest of you will be an honor guard and will return to Atlantis right away, I will be granting her leave. She'll likely want to spend time grieving with Dr. McKay's family."

"What?" John asked incredulously.

"Well, I realize they are no longer together, but they were in a serious relationship and, to my knowledge, she remains the closest thing to true family he has here. "

"No. We're his family, Me, and Ronon, and Teyla."

"Colonel," Woolsey sighed, "I know there is a special bond among team. You will all be given time here together and with the rest of the city. However, she was his significant other for nearly a year. They were engaged for a time. It's not the same."

"No, it's not!" John jumped up. "We trust each other with our lives, he just fucked her for a few months!"

"Colonel!" Woolsey shot up, aghast.

John leaned in close. "I've known him for six years. He's my best friend."

"But, Dr. Keller-"

"Made her decision when they broke up."

Woolsey huffed, "That's-"

"Sir." John caught Woolsey's eye again, not caring how much Woolsey would read into his words. "I've cared more for him for longer than she even knew him."

Woolsey looked ready to argue some more but John threw one more word in, quietly: "Please."

Woolsey blinked once, taken aback, then nodded. "All right."

John ducked his head and sank back into his chair. He was so close to losing it; he needed to get a rein on himself.

Woolsey sat back down and opened his laptop to make adjustments to the schedules.


	3. Chapter 3

Rodney had been quite co-operative, he thought, for the entire first day. He'd answered questions calmly enough after the first shocks had had time to sink in, and he had recited useless facts about his life for a rapt Heightmeyer.

The drugs had worked out of his system, so by the evening he was thinking as clearly as ever and he'd had enough. From what he could tell, aside from a few startling differences, he and his alternate reality counterpart were remarkably similar, so he didn't think they'd react ,much when he snuck out of the infirmary during the late night shift change. It was what he usually did when Carson worried too much and needlessly wanted to keep him for observation.

His first stop was a little-used lab where he could pilfer one of the laptops and access the database. It wasn't that he didn't trust Radek's claim that there was no such device, he just needed to do some checking for himself.

It turned out that Radek had been correct. There wasn't, nor had there ever been, anything found in this reality that matched the description of what Rodney had been fiddling with back in his reality.

It had taken him most of the night to reach that conclusion and, while he fully intended to find a way home as soon as possible, he really was very sleepy. He brushed back the short curls that now framed his face and pushed himself up.

He made his way back to his quarters on autopilot, almost running headlong into the door before he realized it hadn't opened for him.

Tired and confused, it was a moment's work on autopilot to open the door. The lights sprung up and Rodney blinked, confused, as a man jumped up from the bed, instantly awake in the way that could only mean he was a soldier.

"Ma'am!" The soldier looked nervous. "Is something wrong?"

Rodney blinked again at the man, taking in the pajama pants and bare chest, and then the rest of the room.

"Oh, god. This isn't my room." Rodney shook his head, clearing it.

"Ah, no, ma'am." He shifted awkwardly.

"I'll just- Sorry," Rodney stuttered, bewildered. His brain kicked in again. "Been a long day, you know. Sorry. I'm just going to-" He pointed out of the room and ran.

Now embarrassed on top of it all, Rodney headed the only place he could think of. Even in this reality, where he shared quarters with Sheppard, if they weren't in his room they had to be in John's.

This time when John's room wouldn't let him in he at least had the presence of mind not to barge in, but that left him without a clue as to where he might live right now. Giving in to fate, he made his way to one of the common rooms and passed out on the couch.

...

He was shaken awake only a few hours later by a group he was beginning to loathe. John's hand moved from his shoulder to the back of his head, smoothing down a few curls.

"God, Mer, you scared us."

He stepped back to let Rodney sit up and get a better look at the others. Carson was shuffling from one foot to another in the doorway, and Heightmeyer had her arms folded, standing in the middle of the room.

"Don't look at me like that, I just did some research and crashed." Rodney waved a hand dismissively.

Both John and Heightmeyer looked ready to talk but Carson cut them off. "Let's take this somewhere else. Back to the infirmary, I think."

...

"I just needed to check."

"So you broke out and stole a laptop?

"I didn't steal it. And yes. I'm fine, you have no reason to keep me here."

"Maybe not before, but, Mer, you wandered around and fell asleep in a rec room."

"Please, I've slept in worse places."

"You broke into Lt. Larson's quarters last night."

"I thought they were mine!"

"Exactly! Mer, you're confused. That can't happen again."

...

What really bothered Rodney is that he was confused. He was definitely male inside his head but he'd sat down without thinking about it the first time he'd gone to the bathroom. He found himself tucking an errant curl behind his ear with a smooth practiced move one moment and the next being so distracted by it Kate had noticed and offered to get him a headband.

And that wasn't the worst part. When they'd finally finished and let him go that morning with a warning to take it easy and come back if he noticed himself becoming confused again he'd found himself heading down a completely unfamiliar corridor with only the notion that it lead home but no memory of why home would be that way. When he made it to his lab he found a group of biologists there instead but couldn't for the life of him remember why or where his stuff was.

Several times that afternoon, after having found his lab, he could tell them exactly how some of the projects were going to turn out—things he knew were knowledge gained from his own Atlantis, but other times realized he knew what was going on with things they'd never had the time for in his universe.

As much as he hated the infirmary at the moment and hated the thought of searching out help he found himself back under the worried eyes of Carson when he'd touched something he was sure they, back on his Atlantis, had found depleted. It turned out to be the Ancient equivalent of an easy-bake oven. He was just lucky all he had was a burn and not radiation poisoning.

"I'm worried, Mer, this isn't safe."

"I'm fine Carson. It was a mistake." He'd rapidly given up on getting them to call him Rodney.

"One I've been assured you wouldn't have made. Dr. Simpson was very worried when you disregarded your own warning."

Rodney bit his lip, he didn't want to admit it but he felt like he might be losing his mind.

"Kate and I agree you shouldn't be left alone right now."

"What! No, Carson, I can take care of myself."

"I'm sorry, Mer, this is relatively minor, but we can't risk worse if you're having problems. Kate and John should be here soon. When she's done John can take you home but until you find your footing again it's just not safe for you to be unsupervised."

"You make it sound like I'm some kind of child!" Rodney pulled his hand away from Carson's ministrations indignantly.

"Mer, look at me."

He complied with an eyeroll.

"We were lucky today. If you forget again you could do much worse. Tell me you don't know I have to do this."

Rodney swallowed, he knew what he could to do himself or others if he slipped up again with something really dangerous. He hated this, but Carson was right. "Yeah."

When Kate had finished with him John was waiting. Rodney wanted out of the infirmary almost more than anything right now but going home with John felt like a concession to this universe, and an intrusion on the life of the woman whose body he currently inhabited. He had no right. He pulled Carson aside, "Is there any place else I can stay."

"You don't want to go home?" Carson looked shocked.

"Believe me, I can't believe I'm saying it either."

"Well, I suppose we can put you in one of the private rooms here, there's always a nurse on the clock."

Rodney considered that for a moment, "fine."

...

The next day he had a steady stream of visitors, which made him actually grateful that the Three Musketeers had corrected him on his version of the history of Atlantis. He would have had several heart attacks. As it was he still got choked up a few times.

Elizabeth was first. She gave him a hug and then proceeded to tell the tale of Atlantis for him. Even though he'd heard some of it before, it was nearly enough to take his mind off his situation.

As far as he could tell, it all boiled down to them having an extra ZPM in the beginning. That one singular event had changed the course of history.

The emergency protocols didn't raise them and they hadn't gone right out and run into the Wraith. Meredith had raised the city after a few weeks. Sumner organized gate teams and sent John's to the first address they found. At least that was still Athos, but Teyla hadn't become a resident of Atlantis then, just their first and best ally. Meredith had never been on permanent assignment to a gate team; none of the scientists had. Sumner's idea, obviously.

A few encounters with the Wraith over the first year and they'd played it safe, not needing to risk much. Once the Daedalus showed up they started working on a plan to neutralize the Wraith threat, but with Sumner as military head they arranged a coordinated assault instead of a retrovirus. Mer and Radek had the daunting task of creating and organizing all the explosives. Earth could only commit so much to the cause, but they had proved creative. It worked. The Wraith were scattered and easy to pick off and now were nearly extinct. Every now and then a cloning facility or secret base would become a problem but they had gotten very good at getting information from the Wraith before blowing things up and the threat was constantly diminishing. Elizabeth didn't seem too happy with the idea of mass genocide and Rodney was really glad that it hadn't gotten so bad here that the lines between right and wrong had started to blur even for her.

In a desperate move on the part of the few remaining Wraith, they went after Atlantis's trading partners and allies. The Athosians, the kids, and a few others were attacked by the Wraith. Atlantis saved those they could and, with the power to open whole suburbs within Atlantis, the refugees weren't shuttled off onto other societies. They were free to stay, building a community Elizabeth seemed truly proud of.

It hadn't been a walk in the park for this universe, but with the extra ZPM they'd been able to take on all comers and the galaxy was more at peace than it had been in over ten thousand years.

Elizabeth left Rodney only to be replaced once again by John. Apparently Heightmeyer had a plan because he started talking, picking up Elizabeth's tale with a personal twist.

They'd been nearly at each other's throats, John trying to find his place as XO and Meredith far too busy setting up the labs as CSO to listen to him. Some things would always be the same, though, because all that changed the instant Mer insisted John shoot her when she found the personal shield.

That was the beginning of a slow but steady courtship, though John may have phrased it differently. A few months of flirting and two years of dating later and they moved in together. Nearly another year later, despite both their trepidation, they were married.

Rodney had to but in at this moment, "But, well—" It wasn't exactly a taboo topic for them but this wasn't his John and he didn't want to make this any worse than it already was. "You're not really, you know, into girls that much, right?"

John tilted his head to the side, smiling, and said, "I remember the first time I told you that. I was kinda worried how you'd take it, that you were the first woman in a long time. But you were great. It all worked out. I love you, and that's all that matters."

Rodney didn't really know how to respond to that so he made a vague motion for John to continue his story.

Throughout it all Sumner and John came to tolerate each other, coordinating their opposite styles instead of arguing. John was promoted to CO when Sumner retired just last year. Ford was promoted and chose to take over his gate team, so John only went out when he had to now, Lorne stepping into the XO position Ford didn't want.

John and Mer bickered and snarked, and apparently more than one person had said their idea of flirting looked more like biting each other's heads off, but it had worked for them and John loved her. Rodney felt horrible for what John was going through but it didn't change his perception.

Rodney loved John, truly, but it was just as John had said once, in the way a friend loves another friend. He knew now that, had it occurred to him to feel more than friendship toward John, he would have. He could easily have fallen for him.

Radek was next, telling him all about the projects they had going and the amazing discoveries they'd made. Rodney didn't have the heart to tell him that apparently necessity really was the mother of invention because, while they had the time to thoroughly work even the theoretical stuff out, they just hadn't been pushed into making the kinds of leaps Rodney had seen these past years. They had peace. Several years earlier Rodney wouldn't have thought it worth the loss in scientific progress but now he knew better.

Ford, as obnoxious as he could be in any universe, was raised right and came by to tell him about his last trip to see his grandparents and give Rodney a get-well card signed by a good handful of the marines Mer had been on missions with.

Grodin stopped by because he thought Mer might like to hear about the new subspace communications system of hers they'd finally gotten most of the kinks out of.

Cadman, Katie, and Teyla came by on behalf of the whole crew at Ladies' Poker Night. Teyla stayed late. She told Rodney of how the Athosians had a whole section of Atlantis and how many of them lived partially here and partially on the mainland, where the other agricultural refugees they'd picked up were working on a harvest for the city. She had spent nearly a year on John's away team before he was promoted, but with Torren, she too had dropped off her mission load and now did mostly trading missions to established partners. She also told him how much she had enjoyed their last double date.

It was only after everyone left, finally done with memory lane, that he realized nobody had mentioned Ronon.

...

As soon as the night shift came on and Keller convinced John to go get some rest, Rodney put his plan into motion. Rodney had never taken orders well and it wasn't like he was doing anything that could endanger anyone, no matter what his mind threw at him. He hated the thought of how dependent he was right now and needed to do something. This time he was going to do more than just trust their catalogue on Ancient tech. He made a quick stop at a military supply closet for a flashlight and tablet, and then headed toward subsection D.

...

Only it turned out they had been right. If the device was in this universe, it wasn't where it had been found in his.

Not only that, but his reprieve didn't last nearly as long as he'd hoped. John burst through the doors with a team of marines only four hours after he'd left the infirmary.

John's face was nearly blank in a way that Rodney knew meant he was upset and more than a little worried. Possibly angry, he added when John slapped his radio. "I've got her."

The other marines waited at the door but John moved closer. "Mer?"

"Don't you have anything better to do than babysit me?

"You're my wife, Meredith, I'm worried."

"Well, stop it. This is what I do, Sheppard, I just want to fix this. Then you can have her back and I can go home."

"There's nothing to fix here-"

"I told you-"

"Stop! You're not someone called Rodney, Mer, and you need to let Beckett and Heightmeyer get you better." It was John's special brand of coping; ignoring the problem. Right now it wouldn't matter how convincing his argument, Rodney wouldn't get more than this blind denial born of fear.

"I need to get home."

"You are home."

"Shut up, you're being deliberately obtuse. You know what I mean."

John took the last step closer and wrapped a hand gently around Rodney's arm. "Come on, we're going back to the infirmary."

...

He tried again to reason with them, to explain, but with an expedition that he now knew had never seen Cadman and him inhabit the same body, never had John and Elizabeth taken over by nearly dead malicious aliens, never had to move to another planet with plants that could make you forget who you were, never seen Jennifer possessed, they just couldn't grasp what he was trying to tell them. Mental illness was so much more likely and the worst part is that he was afraid he was starting to believe it, too. Heightmeyer was strongly suggesting a drug regimen.

...

Rodney McKay did not give up easily. He had no idea why they thought Meredith would. The next day he left. The nurses on duty obviously didn't expect such a maneuver. It was really just too easy to walk past them, though he knew it wouldn't be long before someone came after him, they were still worried he might hurt himself, with a bandage still on his hand to remind them. No matter how much he knew they might be right he wouldn't give in any more than he already had. He was already banned from the dangerous parts of the city and was watched closely while in the labs.

He wasn't giving up. They couldn't make him stop looking for a way home, and even if the device wasn't in subsection D, information on it might be.

He locked the rest of them out of the area before John could come bust him this time.

"Meredith, let me in!"

Rodney sighed as the city intercom blared to life, remembering that he'd left his radio in his infirmary room. "Colonel, I know this is hard for you but I'm going home."

"Mer, please don't do this to me," he whispered and Rodney knew the whole city was probably pretending they couldn't hear.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"I'll get Radek."

Rodney laughed. "Go ahead."

"Fine."

"Fine." And the intercom went quiet again.

...

While it may have been true that this Radek had nothing on the other one, it was also true that he was no idiot. Rodney hadn't made any kind of progress and in an embarrassingly short amount of time, only five hours, Radek had made it through the firewalls and Rodney was only ahead of him because he was typing constantly to put up another obstacle before Radek cut down the previous one. It was only a matter of time before hypoglycemia kicked in and he wasn't moving fast enough to stay ahead.

John burst into the room with a med team, led by none other than Beckett and Heightmeyer, obviously expecting some resistance. Rodney was peeved, he'd honestly expected to have this either solved or at least have enough to convince them, and he was jittery and tired. He found himself backed into a corner repeating the same sentiments he'd been saying over the past few days but to no avail. He was soon back in the infirmary.

...

Kate was still pushing the drugs. She thought it would help Mer cope with Rodney but he was hoping it would work the other way around. He took them.


	4. Chapter 4

A harsh knock cut through Maddie's excited chatter. Jeannie hushed her, telling her to finish her PB&J before leaving the kitchen to get the door.

"John! Well, this is a surprise." She automatically looked over his shoulder for Rodney, but he wasn't there.

"Where's Rodney?" Jeannie asked as her eyes returned to John, taking in his dress uniform and his frozen features. "Colonel?" she asked, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry."

"That's not- But- No." She took another step back, holding the edge of the door so tightly it turned her knuckles white.

"I-" John had to swallow, to make room around the lump in his throat. "Jeannie."

"No. No!" She yelled the last in his face, and he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry."

"No!" Jeannie threw off his hand, smacking his shoulder. Then she started screaming louder, smacking him, pushing and shoving, while he stood his ground.

She was probably yelling nonsense by now, she couldn't seem to stop but she was getting her point across loud and clear. Jeannie's fists wound down after a while but she was still shaking, clutching John's jacket, up close in his space. John's arms, previously up in order to keep her from doing any real damage, closed around her shoulders, holding her close.

John hurt, just doing this, just being near Rodney's newly-not-estranged sister, feeling her fall apart in his arms, and this could have been it, the moment he finally cracked, too. It could have been, because he knew it would happen, he kind of needed it, but she didn't know and he didn't have the right to grieve with her. Maybe, if he'd had the courage to tell Rodney, maybe Jeannie and he would be in this together, but they weren't. He was Rodney's friend, nothing more, and he'd just told her that her brother was gone.

Over her shoulder he saw hesitant movement and Kaleb came into focus, brows drawn down in concern. He looked between them, and John saw him reach the right conclusion. John kind of silently begged him not to steal Jeannie from him yet. Kaleb gave him a tight nod and backed away, into the kitchen.

By the time Jeannie pulled herself away there was a wet spot on his jacket big enough that it seeped through and he could feel it on his shoulder. She had a mark where the corner of a metal decoration dug into her jaw. She sniffled loudly, wiping hastily at her cheeks and eyes, and moved back, leaving him there on the threshold as she wandered over to sit on the couch. She tucked her feet under her and reached for the tissues on a side table. When she spoke her voice was broken and rough and not entirely kind. "Come in."

John closed the door behind him and sat stiffly in the chair across from her.

...

No place on Earth had ever felt much like home, but standing on the outskirts of Rodney's funeral made him wish it was. If Earth was home he could quit, move back to Earth, and at least know he was on the same planet as Rodney. He kept his distance, not really hearing the words but knowing that he couldn't hold it together if he moved any closer. Jeannie was crying again, hanging on to Kaleb's arm, Maddie at a babysitter's. There were more people attending than he'd really expected. Most likely old colleagues. Sam and Daniel managed to show up for an hour but there was nothing for John to say to them.

Though it might not always have looked that way, Rodney was the best friend John had ever had. Rodney knew him better than he'd let anyone else know him. Knew him in all but one way. But that wasn't Rodney's fault. John had been too scared to risk the status quo.

Men were nothing new to John, and if pressed he'd even admit he preferred them. Rodney was nothing if not good at pressing. He didn't mean it maliciously, John knew, and he was sure Rodney would have backed off in a hurry if John had shut down, so two years into their friendship John had explained honestly. And that was the end of it.

At that point Rodney was his best friend but there was nothing more than a low level attraction, the possibility of something that didn't yet exist. Of course that attraction flared just as soon as Rodney was off the market. The most telling sign that the thing with Katie wasn't going to last was that nothing really changed. Rodney didn't talk about her, didn't bring her along for anything, barely even spent time with her. John still had as much of Rodney as he'd ever had but all of a sudden he wanted more.

John had hoped it was a simple case of wanting what he couldn't have but the feelings didn't go away when Katie did. Rodney spent more time with John than he'd ever done before. He even told John about his 'experimental stage'. He obviously considered himself straight, but John knew all he had to do was make a move and Rodney wouldn't push him away. But it wasn't right. Rodney didn't want him the way he wanted Rodney and chances were good he'd end up in a dead-end, one-sided relationship. It was about the only thing he wasn't sure their friendship could survive.

Then Jennifer Keller came along and it was nothing like it had been with Katie. Rodney was serious about making it work. It hadn't, but that year without Rodney constantly by his side had been the hardest ever. He thought about seeing someone, just to take his mind off his missing best friend, but he could never feign interest for long enough. There was nobody but Rodney.

When Rodney and Keller had broken up John had thought, seriously this time, about saying something. Just make the first move. It might never be actual dating but he'd have Rodney, and Rodney might be inconsiderate and rude but he would be positively uptight about not seeing anyone else. It would be just the two of them and Rodney wouldn't have to love him back, just having him all to himself would be enough. But then Rodney would undoubtedly meet someone he would fall for and he'd be totally forthcoming about wanting to pursue them and he'd leave John. Oh, Rodney would still want to be friends, but John didn't think he would be able to stand that kind of restriction, just friends, after being able to pretend they'd had so much more. It might break his heart but he'd been set on loving Rodney from afar forever rather than lose him, because there was no way he wouldn't lose Rodney when Rodney didn't love him that way.

John watched Rodney being lowered into the ground. He watched people leave, the priest shake hands, the cars pull away. He watched Jeannie hold her head high while silent tears coursed down her cheeks and people said their condolences. He stood in the graveyard long after the ceremony.

That night he drank the whole mini-bar in his hotel room and passed out on the floor.

...

If it hurt being on Earth for Rodney's funeral, it was nothing compared to being on Atlantis without him. John floated through his days, only eating when Teyla or Ronon made him, and at night it was becoming increasingly harder to sleep without alcoholic assistance. In the mornings the only thing that could drag him out of bed was knowing that everyone would know how hard he was really being hit by this. He couldn't lose Atlantis on top of this all.

Woolsey was already asking him for his recommendation on a replacement. Teyla and Ronon had rituals that helped them deal with losing a friend; they also had people supporting them. They missed Rodney but they were done truly grieving. John wasn't sure he'd really started yet. His professional mindset was deteriorating but he had no one to turn to except them, and they were so far ahead of him in accepting this that sometimes it hurt worse just being near them. Who did you turn to when the person you turned to was the one who was gone?

Ronon was knocking on his door, just the same as he did every day, and Teyla would be at the team table after, same as she was every day. John pulled himself out of bed, pushed a few empty bottles under some dirty laundry, and then let Ronon in.

"You coming?"

"Yeah, yeah, just-" John grabbed his workout clothes and headed into the bathroom.

He pulled on the clothes, brushed the alcohol off his breath, and headed out for a run.

This was the only thing left in his life that didn't make him feel like he was drowning. Rodney had never run with them so here, feet pounding on the pier with Ronon by his side, the repetition soothing, John could relax. The ghost of his best friend left safely back in the main corridors of Atlantis. He did this every morning, a friendly jog, pushing his limits with Ronon by his side, mocking him on occasion. Every morning. Because nothing much had really changed.

He didn't know how far they'd run but his legs were numb and he was breathing like the bellows. He was caught off guard as one breath was let out as a sob.

Ronon glanced at him. "You okay?"

John blinked, feeling a cascade of tears fall down his cheek, chest heaving in another sob. The pier swam in front of him and he tripped, skidding on the pavement. He was surprised to find himself gasping, shaking from the force of his tears.

Ronon was pulling him gently from the ground and John couldn't even protest to being manhandled. Ronon softly brushed away the gravel that had embedded itself in his cheek and then folded John in his arms, where he wept into Ronon's shoulder.


	5. Chapter 5

One day, not a week into what he was starting to think of as a prolonged stay as a mental patient, his morning pills and breakfast arrived via a very different carrier than usual. Jennifer Keller set the tray down on his bedside table and smiled politely.

"Where's Carson?"

She handed him a glass of milk and a handful of pills and he swallowed them dutifully, knowing she wouldn't leave until he did.

"Oh, well, he's a bit busy at the moment. Off-world emergency."

"What? Is everyone all right?" Rodney asked, nearly jumping up, but Jennifer caught him and managed to keep him sitting.

"Everyone's fine, just a broken ankle. Carson's meeting them in the jumper bay."

"Oh. Okay. I guess-" He so often forgot that this Atlantis really didn't have the kind of emergencies he was always being called in for.

"What's for breakfast, then?" Rodney said, trying to cover up his momentary confusion. He really wasn't in the mood for an extra hour with Heightmeyer today.

"Veggie omelet and fruit. No citrus, of course, but the mess used a bunch of those apple things from M3X-949, and an apple a day-"

"-makes the doctor happy." Rodney smiled, a little sadly. Their break-up was amicable, but break-ups were always a little sad. "Thanks, Jen."

Jennifer smiled, "Right. I guess I'll just be going then, Mer." And she gave him a little wave on the way out.

...

"Hey, Carson?"

"Mmm?" Carson paused on his way out of the room.

"I, um," Rodney stuttered, "I need, you know, uh, pads."

Carson looked confused for a moment. Then his eyes darted and he looked more embarrassed than Rodney knew he was because, regardless of what reality they were in, Rodney, given the option, would have always chosen Carson over anyone else for his annuals. "Oh, yes, of course."

Carson motioned toward his ear, already closing the door on the way out.

John showed up ten minutes later and pulled a pack of Always out of his bag. "Hey, Carson called. Figured you'd be more comfortable with your own than his generic crap."

Rodney blinked at John, standing there expectantly and holding out a pack of maxi pads. He reached out and tentatively took them. "Thanks."

John smiled. "No problem. So, I have to get back to work, but I'll come by later."

And with that John swooped in for a little peck, smiling happily at him, and left.

Rodney found he was smiling a little dopily, as well, and wiped it off his face with a frown. That was… positively domestic. He busied himself in the bathroom for a moment, then returned to sit on his bed. John had smiled, like running little domestic errands was normal. Like he wanted to do things like that for Rodney. For Mer.

The thing he'd been trying not to think about lately was how familiar this all seemed. There was something, a sort of muscle memory that had to belong with this body and not with his old one.

He cut off the thought that there might not have been an old one.

Dealing with the everyday maintenance of his body only caused him a momentary pause. It hadn't been anything to freak out over, and that more than anything concerned him. And now this, with the pads, was a nuisance, perhaps, but really hadn't merited any freaking.

Rodney wasn't sure sometimes if the pills were really doing what they were supposed to do. The disorienting confusion had all but disappeared but instead of feeling completely like Rodney again he was becoming more familiar with being Mer. He wasn't sure of his past anymore and everyone around him was the same as they had always been. It was getting so hard to see the dividing line between universes.

...

Not letting Rodney work wasn't really conducive to helping anyone, so Radek came by every few days. They had Rodney designing simulations and checking equations, mostly, but at least he had a computer and a purpose. Without anything to do, he really would have felt like he was in a mental institution.

Radek pushed the door open, walking backwards so he could hold onto the tray he carried. "Carson said you had not eaten. I thought a working lunch sounds good, yes?"

"Ohh, is that meatloaf? Did you bring some of that mashed potato stuff they always serve with it?"

"Yes, yes, how could I forget?"

"Good, great." Rodney helped him portion the meal between them and dug in. "So, the simulation on variant space-time, for the hyperspace drives, I was thinking, what if we changed the interval. Going larger instead of smaller would give us more data on-"

"-our proposed constant. Yes, and the data would still be relevant for Gunderson's work."

"Kill two birds with one stone." Rodney smirked.

"We would need to re-calculate for the curve-"

Rodney waved his fork dismissively. "Naturally, I've already started on the new equations."

"Good, good."

It was probably a little pathetic how much Radek's visits were starting to mean to Rodney. They'd worked together for five years, and it wasn't until he was away from the lab that he started to miss his obstinate friend.

Well, not five years with this particular Radek. At least that's what he was still sticking to. It was getting hard to tell some times, especially when it was so easy to fall into the same patterns he'd had with his Radek for years.

...

"Hello, Meredith."

"Oh, Elizabeth, hi. I haven't seen you for a while."

Elizabeth sat down gracefully on the edge of Rodney's bed and looked curiously at the bits strewn about him where he sat on the floor. He still couldn't bring himself to move back in with John and this had slowly become his sanctuary. "No, sorry, I've been doing a lot of running between the peoples of Nwonta and Carn - you know, P3K-3C9 and P3R-MH8." Rodney nodded absently and grabbed a screwdriver as she added, "but I think they're done needing our help for the moment. What are you up to?"

"It's nothing special," Rodney said, sighing sadly, "just repairing a spectrophotometer for the chemists. Apparently everyone else is busy, so why not give it to the crazy person with too much time on their hands!"

He was sorely tempted to throw the part he was holding across the room but, like so many things he wanted to do these days, he didn't think it would help his case any.

"Oh, Mer." Elizabeth slid down so she was sitting on the floor across from him. "It's going to get better, from what I hear it already has. Kate says you're doing so well. I know you must be frustrated. Why don't you join Teyla and me tomorrow morning for yoga? Burn off some of energy."

It wasn't as though it was especially unusual for him to leave his room in the infirmary, but they were still being careful not to leave him alone out there.

"You still do that? Yoga with Teyla?"

"Of course, you know that."

She was right, he knew Elizabeth had enjoyed teaching Teyla yoga, that they had as much of a standing arrangement as was possible, but there were so many things he was unsure of these days. It really wasn't different here at all, it felt like. Each day brought the new realization that he did know these people. This whole reality thing, well, he'd certainly had stranger dreams.

"Okay, sure."

She stood. "I'll let you get on with this but I'll talk to Carson, pick you up tomorrow?"

"Sounds good." Rodney smiled. "Bye, Elizabeth."

"Meredith." She nodded a good-bye.

...

"You haven't taken off your wedding ring."

Rodney frowned at Heightmeyer and looked down at her fingers. Her right hand made a move toward the ring but faltered. She hadn't really noticed it before, like wearing it was already an ingrained habit. She couldn't bring herself to remove it. That gold ring meant something, it was precious, and her heart clenched at even the thought of taking it off.

...

"Mer?" John was practically skipping into the room.

Rodney smiled. "Hi."

"Carson hinted you had some big news." John teased.

"Yeah. I wanna go home." Rodney really did love him, but knowing that and going home with John had been two different things. She could accept and had accepted the female form because resistance wouldn't have changed anything and her inherent sense of comfort had to mean something, but it wasn't quite the same when she still couldn't remember much of the life she'd had with John - still didn't even know where they lived. But the feelings were there, in the familiarity with which they interacted and in how much it had hurt to see John's reaction to Rodney's rejection. She had to try. The other reality was still clear in her mind, but the people she'd known there were the same ones she knew here and she couldn't reject them.

"Mer." John sat down on the bed next to her and leaned down to see into her eyes.

"Home?"

John nodded, "Yeah. That sounds good."

One of John's hands found its way into her hair as he leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead.

...

As she followed John home, with him carrying the duffel bag of things that had accumulated in her room and her holding her laptop, it was obvious why she hadn't found it that night she'd escaped. Their quarters where farther from the central tower than she would have expected to be open, back then, back when this version of Atlantis seemed unfamiliar to her. They had a nice place with an open floor plan not quite close enough to be where most of the single soldiers were living but not quite inside the little suburb where most of the Athosians spent their time while on Atlantis. It was as near rural as was possible within Atlantis, a small settlement between colonies, with a view that wasn't hindered by the surrounding buildings.

John walked straight through the little living area and into the bedroom, where he dropped the duffel bag on the bed and turned to smile at her where she lingered in the doorway.

"I, uh, don't know-" Rodney gulped. "I don't think I'm ready for this yet."

John's eyes flashed between her and the bed and he made a little sympathetic grimace. "That's okay. Really." He moved closer and ran his hand down her arm to hold onto her fingers for a moment. "I'm just glad you're home. I can sleep on the couch. Wouldn't be the first time."

When Rodney looked up she caught the hint of a teasing smirk before he made his way back into the living area. Yeah, she could picture that. They snarked all the time, even with John being extra thoughtful lately, and it was easy to imagine that the snarking would occasionally give way to bickering, even yelling. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that she loved him, and he her, but it was all too easy to picture herself locking John out of the bedroom, refusing to let Atlantis let him in, just because she could. Could almost hear the harsh knocks on the door, maybe John trying to apologize for whatever thing he'd done without thinking first. She'd make him sleep on the couch without any pity whatsoever, just to be a bitch. It was so clear in her mind it could almost be a memory.

She followed him, leaning over the side of the couch and curling a hand over the back of his neck as he sat looking up at her. "I'm trying."

"I know, Mer."

"I really, really am."

"I know."

She leaned forward tentatively, almost hoping John would take the lead here because she was feeling exposed, but he didn't. John stayed still under her fingers and let her take her own time, moving in hesitantly and placing a chaste kiss against his lips before reeling backward quickly. She left the room knowing John had the biggest smile on his face that she could remember seeing in a long time, and that made her want to try even harder.

...

She was still on a lot of meds and she still had to see Heightmeyer nearly every day but being home made a whole world of difference. Getting to wake up in her own bed, running into John when he left the door open to the bathroom, getting grumbles for leaving the toothpaste uncapped - all of it made her feel like her life was falling back into place. This was somewhere she belonged.

Radek was slowly handing the reins back to her, increasing her workload and stress as much as Heightmeyer would let him, and Mer loved it. Burrowing in the lab for hours on end had never seemed so appealing. And there was the added bonus that John would come and make her leave when she'd been at it too long, holding a cup of coffee in front of him like a peace offering. There was a routine to her life that felt natural, especially compared to those long weeks spent mostly in a private room in the infirmary. Some days she forgot that there was still the possibility, however small it might seem now, that she didn't actually belong here.

...

It wasn't that she'd given up on her earlier quest to find the thing that had caused all this to come about. It was more that she wasn't sure any longer just what it had done. She knew it had to be out there, that whatever had happened hadn't happened on its own, but the prospect that it transported a person's mind across realities was significantly less likely than that it scrambled your brain a bit. It often seemed that all the information she knew then and now were the same, it had all just been mixed up here and there. That was much more likely, and she was a scientist who had no evidence to the contrary.

Still, she spent a portion of every day checking programs she'd set up to do a more thorough run through the database than she could ever accomplish in a hundred lifetimes. It hadn't turned anything up yet but she wasn't ready to give up on finding whatever had done this to her.

...

The months went by and the bustle of everyday had started to seem more important than her secret side project. Eventually she realized she hadn't checked the programs in over a week. It just didn't seem that important when she had yoga two days a week with Elizabeth and Teyla, and Ladies' Poker Night, a standing double-date with Teyla and Kanaan once a month, and picnics on the pier where she got to watch John play with Torren or play beach volleyball with the marines, and then a full time job on top of all that. Somewhere along the line sleeping on the couch hadn't mattered anymore, though they really didn't do more than sleep. Every now and then John would slip unexpectedly into the bathroom and she was tempted to tell him to come back out, but Mer liked it the way it was, just like they were. And to be honest, she wasn't sure she was ready when, though she might feel she belonged here, she still had no actual memory of them together like that. She didn't want to embarrass herself.

...

Nearly eight months after Mer had woken confused and hysterical, she woke up to John pressing gentle kisses to the back of her neck.

"Hmmm. Coffee."

She could feel John smile against her skin for a moment. Then he shifted and a mug of coffee appeared in her vision.

"Wow, you're good," Mer mumbled, pushing around and sitting up so she could grab the coffee.

"Yeah." John was entirely too awake for the time of day.

"You went running already, didn't you?"

"Yeah." He smiled, leaning forward to bury his nose in her hair while she sipped at the coffee.

"You're being weird again."

John chuckled, and then grabbed the coffee from her hands so he could press his lips to hers for a moment. "Happy anniversary."

Mer blinked, confused. "Oh, I mean-"

"Don't worry." John gave her back her coffee. "I didn't really expect you to remember it." The 'even before' was implied but unspoken, the way so many of the things that had happened back then were.

"Well, then." Mer fit her hand behind his neck and tugged him in for another kiss, letting this one linger, pressing her tongue to the seam of his lips and feeling him open for her. He ducked his head and worked wet kisses down her neck, then pulled away.

"God, I miss you," she heard him whisper before he backed away, as always, letting her have her space. "I should get ready for work."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Mer was left on the bed, sipping absentmindedly at her coffee, while John ducked into the bathroom for his morning routine - which, honestly, some days was longer than hers. She wanted him to stay; she usually did when he backed off. It worked well enough while they were getting back into their routines for them to take care of themselves mostly, but this morning it was more than a longing to keep him there with her in their bed. John was hers and she was going to make this right.

...

When Meredith finally made it home she'd almost forgotten that morning but seeing John there, dressed in his softest white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms and tight black jeans that made his hips look nearly nonexistent, she was abruptly reminded just what she'd wanted to do with him that morning.

"Hey, long day?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," she stuttered, dropping the armful of papers and tablets on a side table.

"I have dinner."

"That's nice," Mer murmured as she drew near John. Then she cut off anything else he might have said by tugging him down with a hand on his collar and capturing his sweet lower lip.


	6. Chapter 6

"You've got to be kidding me," John hissed. He thought he'd restrained himself well by waiting until Dr. Wilson had left the conference room.

"Colonel Sheppard." Woolsey stood calmly. "Given the issues your team tends to attract offworld, an expert in Ancient devices seemed the necessary choice, and Dr. Wilson is the best qualified for a gate team."

Teyla spoke up then. "I believe Colonel Sheppard is concerned for her ability in the field. As am I."

"Yes," John agreed, pointing to her.

Ronon grunted his agreement.

"Dr. Wilson is a brown belt who can handle a gun. She seems more than qualified to me," Woolsey replied.

"She does karate for fun and used to go hunting with her dad!" John tried to keep his voice down, but really, it was kid stuff.

"She's more capable than most of the scientists we've sent out there. Certainly more prepared than Dr. McKay was," Woolsey continued.

John replied reflexively, "I won't let anything happen to Rodney." He blanched when he realized what he'd said.

"Then I trust you'll do the same for Dr. Wilson," Woolsey said, making it clear the conversation was over.

John clenched his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might crack but held his tongue. Woolsey was right, he'd dragged Rodney out there when he was even more green, though definitely more jaded, than the young, bright-eyed Amy Wilson.

Teyla brought him out of his mind with a gentle squeeze to his arm. "We will not let any harm come to her."

Ronon nodded his agreement, "Yeah."

John nodded, not really having a choice. It wouldn't be the same. It would never be the same again.

...

Ronon had covertly broken into his room and taken all his hard liquor. John spent most of his day wishing he could just hide in his room with a bottle but without the influence of alcohol he was more able to convince himself to rejoin the general population. Teyla was good about making sure he spent time around people, if not directly interacting with them. They'd dragged him to more than one movie night.

Radek forgave easily and John was grateful for his quiet support. It was one more beam keeping him from falling. The silent dinners slowly filled with words, an offer of a game of chess thrown in. He was forgetting to get angry when Radek showed up at senior staff meetings.

Woolsey found him one night, alone in the mess. "Colonel, may I sit?"

John gestured for him to take a seat.

For a moment they simply sat in silence, Woolsey sipping from a fresh cup of coffee before setting it down. "I don't think I ever actually said I'm sorry, you know, for your loss."

"Oh." John blinked.

"I want you to know, I may not have been close to McKay but I did think highly of him. I know I haven't been too sympathetic but I'm not immune to his absence, Colonel. We all miss him."

John wasn't sure whether to be mad or grateful. Woolsey was awful at this but John had been a dick, too. "Thanks."

Woolsey nodded awkwardly and they sat in silence again. Finally he stood up, hovering. "Well, I have work I should get back to. Good night, Colonel."

John gave a small grin despite himself, "Yeah."


	7. Chapter 7

"Here is the collection of Ancient gadgets Stackhouse's team was able to get at market," Radek said as he plopped a box down on the papers strewn over the other half of Meredith's desk.

"Oh, isn't there someone else? I don't have time to wade through the Ancients' wacked-out versions of children's toys."

"Nobody gets to touch these until we give the okay. Your rules. Also, is your turn." Radek chuckled in an altogether disconcerting way.

"That's creepy, you know," Mer called after him as he made his escape. She sighed and turned to the box, gingerly picking out the broken and dead contraptions and opening their catalogue of Ancient tech to update and cross-reference their new batch. It was getting late. Maybe John would come save her before she got to the point that her brain melted from the mundanity of it all.

It took a moment for what she was seeing to sink in. It wasn't so much the same device that had gotten her here as it was the complement to it. Once that occurred to her, it was obvious they were supposed to be used in conjunction with each other.

After few moments of blankly staring at it, she dropped it like it was burning her. It landed on the desk with a heavy thunk.

Mer still didn't know what exactly it had done, but she had her life back, and she wasn't sure she was ready to face whatever the device meant just now. Her brain cycled quickly through the possibilities. She could toss it, hide it, blow it up. Did she ever want to see it again?

She knew what she wanted to do. Attach some C-4 and shoot it out the window. Watch it blow up in the darkening sky. She growled in frustration because she knew she would never do that. She had to know.

She reached out carefully and turned it slowly, looking for identifying markers and traits so she could refine her computer search. While she was taking all this in, other things were making themselves obvious to her. This part was in working order. Seeing this half of the equation made the buried memories come back, and she knew that - whoever she had been back then aside - what she remembered of the device wasn't quite right in comparison. The other part wasn't right. It wouldn't have worked right.

But that only brought more questions. If this was what happened when one component wasn't in full working order, then what was supposed to happen? And how could she possibly fix it with only the one half in hand, while still not sure what the extent of the damage had been?

It wouldn't matter how long she studied this, months or years; in the end it would still be a bit of a leap. All she wanted was her memories back. She'd just gotten her life back under control and she just wanted everything to be normal. She was happy. Would she be able to handle it if there was more to this?

The sound of boots moving across the lab floor snapped her back to the present. She fumbled the device and managed to slide it away, tucking it among the other things littered on her desk, before looking up to see John biting his lip to stop a smile.

"Looks like a long night. I brought you coffee."

Mer reached out and snatched the mug, holding it under her nose and inhaling. "Oh, thank god. I love you."

"What's disturbing," John said, sliding onto the stool on the other side of the clutter, "is that I can't tell if that's for me or the coffee."

Mer took a few gulps before answering, "Maybe you're right. I think I'd like to be alone with strong, dark, and delicious here."

John held up his hands in a mock peace-keeping gesture. "Who am I to stand in the way of true love?"

She set the coffee down and looked at the mess that was her desk, carefully avoiding letting her eyes linger on the complement device. "Thanks."

"No problem," John shrugged and changed the subject. "Well, it's getting past my bedtime and you know I can't go to sleep without a good night kiss."

Mer looked at the clock at the edge of her computer screen. It was nearing midnight already and John was an early riser, but she'd gotten used to him being deep in sleep by the time she made her way back to their quarters. "I hadn't realized. Sorry."

"Just don't fall asleep on your keyboard again. I think you broke Zelenka's brain. He couldn't speak English for a week after fixing the equations you messed up rolling around in your sleep."

Mer smirked. "That was funny."

John got up and wrapped his arms around her. "No, that was cruel."

She shrugged. "You going to bed?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." She tilted her head up so he could lean over her and give her a sweet kiss that made her wish work would just disappear so she could leave, too.

"Night."

"Night."

John stopped at the door. "Meeting at 0900 tomorrow, don't sleep through it."

She waved her hand in acknowledgement and turned back to the computer. When she was sure John's footsteps had receded, she drew the complement back to the forefront. She hated the thing, but there was a lot of work to be done if she had any hope of putting all this behind her for good.

...

Figuring out the workings of the complement device took a few weeks, but she had to work in secret. Mer wasn't ready to say or do anything that might damage all the ground she'd finally gained with her friends and co-workers. It was hard work acting normal when every day her suspicions that this was worse than she had thought held more weight.

Mer had taken on a project for which most of the work needed to be done at night so that she was never in bed at the same time as John. She didn't want to give him up, especially when they'd just been getting back to normal, but she knew she couldn't keep going like before, not when her suspicions were coming back in full force.

With the new parameters the computer had turned out a database entry within the first week. The words 'alternative dimensions' written in Ancient were nearly enough to make her want to get rid of the device all over again. Mer wasn't sure she could stand to lose this - it was her life now, and yet it turned out that fading memory of what they all believed had been a figment of her broken mind might be true.

She tried ignoring it, because she wanted to stay, but now that she knew the truth she couldn't bring herself to do that any longer. She hated it, wished she could keep this life, but it was turning out that this life wasn't hers to have, it never had been.

The memories she'd buried over half a year ago were suddenly brought to the forefront of her mind and it was like walking on glass. Her stomach clenched at the thought of losing her life all over again.

John stopped by their quarters one day and found her, not asleep as she had recently taken to being during the day, but crying steadily into her pillow. He made a distressed noise as he climbed behind her and pulled her into his arms. "Hey, hey, I got you. What's wrong?"

He clutched her tighter as his words only seemed to make it worse and tucked his nose into her curly hair, rocking her gently.

Mer wasn't strong enough to pull away from him, she couldn't refuse herself the comfort of his arms, and slowly the tears dried up.

"You okay?" John said softly, voice muffled where his face was still buried.

This wasn't right, however much it felt that way to her. For the first time in her life she wanted to continue to live in ignorance, just be his Mer forever. But she wasn't, she really was Rodney, and Rodney had a home. She had trouble thinking of Rodney as herself anymore but she knew she couldn't keep him from it.

She fit so much better here. It was peaceful and she had full life with friends and family, no crisis of the week, all the theoretical work she could handle, and John. Rodney had a John as well. But Rodney was an idiot who'd never considered, never seen, how much John meant, and she didn't want to be that Rodney again. It was possible Mer had made it to Rodney's body back in the other reality, but that Atlantis would have believed her at some point. They would have been looking for a way to fix it, and the bottom dropped out of her stomach at the thought of what it must mean that all this time had gone by and they hadn't been able to.

This wasn't a matter of what she wanted, and she'd never liked being noble but she hated it right now. This was a matter of where she belonged. Rodney belonged on the other Atlantis and this John deserved to have the real Mer back if he could.

Mer pulled away from John, ignoring his concerned noises for the moment and gathering herself together. She sniffled loudly and wiped the tears from her face.

"Mer?"

"Not now."

"Mer, just talk to me."

"John."

"Please. Don't shut me out, Mer."

Mer forced herself to meet his eyes. "Later."

John looked ready to argue but she cut him off. "Later, I promise. Just give me time. Please, John.

He sighed unhappily but nodded. "I should probably get back to work, anyway."

"Yeah."

"You gonna be okay?"

She didn't have anything to say to that so she pretended she didn't hear him and locked herself in the bathroom. She could hear John's sigh and his thumping around the room for a moment before the door swished open and closed and he was gone.

...

"Radek, I need your help."

Radek's eyebrows were drawn together in disbelief as he stared at Mer. She rolled her eyes and moved closer, whispering furtively, "Seriously. I mean, I could totally do it by myself but I'm kind of on a timetable here and I could use your help."

Radek tilted his head to the side. "You will acknowledge my assistance."

Mer nodded. "Absolutely, you can have all the credit."

Radek pulled back, wide-eyed, and Mer hastily waved it away. "Later. It will all make sense later, okay?"

It wasn't as if she'd be around for the Nobel on this one, and she never could have accepted it in Meredith Sheppard's name, so why not throw Radek a bone.

"Also, you will share your coffee stash."

"Okay." Mer nodded. "In my private lab at 0800."

"The good stuff," Radek hissed after her, obviously deciding to take advantage while he could.

...

John, Elizabeth, Carson, and Kate were standing at the back of the room watching curiously as Mer and Radek buzzed around the contraption they'd built. There was a viewscreen in the center of the room over the main console. It was connected to a small hand-held device that they'd discovered their second year here. It had similar properties to the quantum mirrors but required precise directions to function and only provided a small visual as far as they'd been able to tell. It was interesting from the theoretical standpoint but entirely too much work for any kind of everyday use and so had been quickly set aside for other work. This was in turn attached to another small device, completely standard-looking, nothing special that any of them could tell.

Radek held a tablet and was going about the process of turning everything on when Mer moved to a position in front of the center console.

She cleared her throat. "So, this is going to be hard to hear, god knows it's taken me weeks to absorb, but I need you to hear me out."

She motioned to the inconspicuous device on the table. "This is one half of a system designed to allow mental travel between realities. Together they would transfer a person's consciousness from one body to their duplicate in the reality selected, while doing the same to the duplicate. As the devices are not identical, but appear to be two halves of a whole, I believe the consciousnesses would have had an awareness of each other and the ability to share information."

"Are you saying this is a bodyswapping device?" John asked, half interested and half horrified.

"For intelligence gathering?" Elizabeth added, doubtfully.

"I—" Mer swallowed, preparing to take a huge leap, "This is how I got here."

Radek stepped in, "From what Meredith tells me, we have come to the conclusion that the other piece was defective. We have been unable to establish a complete connection with it. We have, however, used the connection this part has to tap into parts of the alternate Atlantis."

He tapped something on the tablet and a selection of security camera views popped up on the viewscreen.

Carson, Kate, and Elizabeth were all leaning in to stare at the screen, but John held back, eyes flickering between Mer and the images.

"Why do you think you came from here?" Kate asked, "Why should we believe you now?"

"I can prove it." Mer said. "Radek?"

He cut one screen to a room almost identical to the one Teyla inhabited here and zoomed in on a photo hanging on the wall.

Elizabeth gasped first, looking from the photo to Mer, "that does look remarkably like—"

"Me."

Another screen changed to show a copy of the death certificate Radek had found two days ago.

"But, he's dead." Carson stated.

Mer nodded, "look at the date."

None of them said anything. They all knew what had happened that day.

After a long, loaded silence Mer cleared her throat and gathered herself up with one last glance at John. "When I first arrived I had no way of proving what I knew, and there was such a feeling of familiarity here that I came to question my sanity as well."

Carson shot her a guilty took but Kate was still absorbed in reading the death certificate.

"So the alternate reality version of Mer -" Elizabeth gazed questioningly at Mer. "Rodney. If he's—Well, where is Mer, I mean, the real one?"

"Well," Mer said, "like I said, I think there's some connection between the people who get swapped."

"You- You been communicating with Mer the whole time?"

John's eyes had narrowed and he took a menacing step forward, but that broke Elizabeth from her shock and she put her arm in front of him. "Wait, John." She looked back to Mer, "but Rodney's dead, right?"

"That not…" But Mer wasn't really sure how to finish the thought.

John made a choked noise, the mask slipping.

"But I think she's still somewhere, she not completely gone. The way I felt comfortable here, how I knew what to do in this body without any real trouble … well, I thought it was an indication that you all were right, but I think now that it means she's still around. The only place that makes any sense is the other device. It wasn't working so it couldn't transfer her into my body but that doesn't mean she just disappeared, it's probably holding her consciousness somehow."

"So she's been, what? Unconscious this whole time?"

Mer and Radek exchanged looks. "She is unlikely to be aware of anything, yes," Radek said.

"Then activate it again!" John said. "That's Mer's body, you can be stuck in the device. Switch again!"

Mer backed away. "It's not that easy, John. I- I would. If I could. But it only worked last time because it was activated on the other end and the device wasn't working properly. The safety protocols should have stopped it. This one is working, and it's not going to let me activate the process. John- I'm sorry."

John looked ready to hit something but instead he whirled, fleeing the room.

Mer looked at Elizabeth. "I'll do what I can on the other side, try to get her out of the device. I'll figure something out. I won't give up."

Elizabeth and Kate turned sharply to face her. Elizabeth spoke first, "the other side?"

She nodded, "We also figured out a way to connect the transporter mechanism to the mini-mirror. Cascade failure would make it impractical for anyone else but I shouldn't have any problems."

"You're leaving," Elizabeth said flatly.

Mer nodded. "I can't stay. They need me over there." With a glance at the door John had disappeared through, she added, "and I don't think it's a good idea to stick around."

Carson looked at her sympathetically. "You should say goodbye at least. He deserves as much."

"I know."

Radek was hovering inconspicuously, turning everything off in anticipation of reconnecting the mirror to the transporter they'd rigged up.

"You have time," Kate said gently.

"No, I can't stay now. I have to leave. Just give me a few minutes." Mer set down her tablet and left the room.

...

John didn't know what to do, what to think. He was sitting on their bed staring blankly into space when Mer forced the door to their quarters to let her in. She stopped just outside their bedroom door.

"I didn't mean to make this harder on you. You've put up with so much from me."

"Twice. This is twice you've taken her away from me."

Mer leaned her head against the doorframe. "It's been me the whole time. I just didn't know."

"I need time."

"I'm going back."

This caught John's attention. He looked at her disbelievingly. "What?"

"Radek and I, we figured out a way for me to go back."

"What about Mer?"

Mer shook her head, "I'll try, John, but there's only one body. I have some experience with this kind of thing but it will take time. I'll get her back to you."

John let out a shattered breath, closing his eyes as his head fell.

"I'm sorry." Mer whispered.

John didn't respond.

"I wasn't faking it," Mer whispered. "You deserve to know that. I do love you."

When John continued to ignore her, Mer turned and exited their apartment for the last time.

...

There were tears in Carson's eyes as he sat between Kate and Elizabeth, all of them still too stunned to say anything. Mer wiped a hand over her cheeks when she entered the room. "Come on."

"It's ready," Radek said.

Mer stood where the beam would go, nodding stiffly and bringing her hand up to her face again. "Just do it."

"Goodbye," Radek said.

Mer sniffed. "Don't. But- thanks. You know."

Radek nodded and Carson sniffed in the background.

With a final nod Radek put his finger on the tablet and pushed the button.


End file.
